Don't Underestimate Me!
by Turin resurrected
Summary: Artemis and Butler, the ideal team? Backtrack to their early days: Toddler Artemis refuses to let Butler 'order' him and the Green Beret commander would rather die than admit that he has finally met his match IN A ONE YEAR OLD BABY!
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Underestimate Me**

**By Turin**

**Pre-fight Match-up: Butler (late 20's) vs Artemis (uhm, not yet 1)**

**3:00 PM, Fowl Manor**

Little Artemis Fowl has an IQ higher than Einstein. Even at this age, he already understands everything his parents say. He has taught himself how to read, and was teaching himself Mathematics by conducting mental experiments in his head. Truly, he could learn much more if he could just get a hand on a more interesting book than... Bernay's Book of ABCs...

"Oh, baby, wet your poo-pii again?" the nanny came rushing as Artemis cried. If only he could make his little lips say what he wanted! But his coordination has not yet caught up with his mental development. "Why, your poo-pii's dry! You just wanna huggy puggy from your nannie, don'cha? A-goo-goo-ah?"

_What the hell are you talking about? _Artemis glared at her in frustration. He clutched the book and threw it at the poor maid's face to shut her up. He then grabbed a fistful of hair and pulled with all his might.

The poor servant, caught off-guard, screamed as the little demon managed to tear a tenth of her hair from the roots. Toys flew as she tripped and tumbled on Artemis' rocking horse and fell on a mountain of blocks. This, coupled with Artemis' savage crying brought the entire house running towards the nursery.

"My God, w-what's happened here?" Angeline gasped, demurely covering her lips as a proper lady should.

"_Madame! I could NOT work under these conditions!" _The maid screamed as she straightened her uniform. She cast a venomous glance at Artemis, who was merely sobbing as Angeline cradled him. "I have cared for two generations of royalty, Madame – but – !" she sputtered as she failed to come up with a word that meant terrible, incorrigible, demon-spawn and EVIL all at once.

"Miss Therese, surely you do not mean to leave us!"

"Hunh!" The normally calm governess huffed. She was gone in an eyeblink, leaving all her things behind. Better that than her sanity!

* * *

Artemis Sr. massaged his temples as Angeline told him the bad news.

"So, we've lost the ninth?"

She nodded.

Sighing, he watched his son who was eerily watching him back. This child indeed was different. He rarely cried with them around, but gave hell to his nannies. Was he playing on their emotions and wanted their attention 24-7? Or was it something else? He was already a year old, but hasn't talked yet. Was he autistic?

"Bubububu..."

"Oh look, he's making baby noises!"

"Indeed..." Artemis Sr. resolved that no matter what happened, he would give his child the best education and the best life possible. He went to the crib and picked up Artemis.

"Want a bed time story son?"

"Bubububu..?!"

"Oh, he's smiling! He looks like you, honey!" She grinned, "when you smile, that is."

"Really Angeline, these emotional displays are not appropriate for Artemis..."

The toddler tilted his head, as if understanding, then blushed. But Angeline ignored her husband's reprimand.

"Honey, maybe it _is _time for him to pair up with Little Arty?"

Artemis Sr. stiffened... to call up their expertise at such a little matter?

Angeline took Little Artemis and hummed while she cradled him. The toddler had a peculiar air around him – as if he understood much more than he should. And... was he looking at his _Fundamentals of Fluid Banking _book

A strange notion entered his mind._ Bububu... book? _

_Nah.._

**

* * *

4:45 AM, an Undisclosed Training Facility**

A dozen Green Berets lay in a jumbled heap, groaning and generally out of commission.

"GET UP, TRAINING HAS BARELY BEGUN!"

A few brave souls struggled to get up, but the moment they got halfway, their knees jellied.

The young Eurasian shook his head, disappointed.

"IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASSES IN LINE, I WILL BE GREATLY **DISPLEASED!**" He seldom shouted in bold capitalized letters, but this was an instance where extra persuasion was needed. With a growl, the berets picked up their rifles, packs, weights, equipment, tents and a sack of wet sand. The young man nodded as he watched his troop get their nth wind. He then picked up his own allotment which was 1.5 times heavier. He believed in setting an example.

Jogging up the camp where they would build their barracks, he felt his secure phone buzz.

"YES! I mean, yes?"

He was silent as he listened intently, picking up several berets that fell on the road side. It was much earlier than he expected. Excitement coursed through Butler's body. This was the moment he was waiting for! The culmination of his life-time of training! Butler seldom grinned, so the sight of a smile on his usual impassive face sent shivers up the berets that saw him.

**

* * *

3:00 AM, the Next Day, Fowl Manor**

"Diapers? As in, the one that... takes care of babies' natural functions? _That_ kind?"

Major Butler fixed his eyes unto his nephew's. "Yes, Domovoi. Master Artemis Jr. is but a year old, and therefore, needs such skills from his bodyguard."

"Ah," Butler was sharp, so he naturally added two and two together, "So, I take it that the Principals would be traveling to..."

"No. My Principal would be traveling. Yours would be staying at the nursery."

Domovoi had to sit down, reflect, and ascertain whether Fowl Sr. was getting senile, or his Uncle was talking in code.

Major Butler smiled, male Butlers had an unnerving image when they smiled. Unfortunately, as it was a generic trait, they are immune to it, as are snakes to their venom. Domovoi still had that hot-bloodedness of youth. It would be good for him to mellow down just a bit.

"Now, nephew, let me show you your Principal..."

Domovoi sighed. He understood, though that didn't mean he liked it. Suppressing a frown, he followed his uncle to the nursery.

* * *

Artemis smugly smiled, he has finally managed to close and open his fingers at will! He could control his fingers better than his voice, maybe he could make the big ones understand with signals? Brows creasing in concentration, he devised and practiced signals for "I", "that/ you", "yuck", "yes", "no", "sleep", and "hungry". Seven would be enough for now, better let them catch up first. When he has taught them the basic signals, he could finally do without crying. It's annoying him more than he let on.

"This way, Butlers," he heard his Father's familiar voice. Strange, shouldn't they be sleeping still? His eyes were sharp, and could see their outlines in the dark. He saw his Father, with the familiar outline of the Major. But who was the tall bald man? "Oh, Arty, sorry to wake you..."

_Damn, haven't made a signal for Who, What, Why, Where, When yet... _Artemis sighed. He pointed at the lights so he could see them better. However, his Father misconstrued his signal, taking this for a desire to be carried. This wasn't all bad, as he managed to get a good look at the stranger.

The man was huge. About a head taller than his Father. He walked like The Major, so he must be... a Butler-servant. The stranger studied him as well. Artemis smiled – it will be challenging – breaking him.

To Be Continued

_**Author's Note:**_

_nn Dear Kez, The Heir and Kyr: Thanks for pointing that out – yes, you are all correct that they were paired since birth... n.n but, read the second chappie. All will be clarified. No, Butler wasn't undergoing military training – he was training the Green Berets. But, thanks for the review! On to chapter II!!!_


	2. Chapter 2

_nn Dear Kez, The Heir and Kyr: Thanks for pointing that out – yes, you are all correct that they were paired since birth... I know that also! All will be clarified. No, Butler wasn't undergoing military training – he was training the Green Berets. But, thanks for the review! Thanks for reading Chapter II! _

**Madame Ko's Admonition**

Let's peek into Domovoi's thoughts as he reviewed the situation. He seldom had time to daydream—to survive his work _and_ vacations, he must constantly be on the alert. But now, in the Fowl Manor, his Uncle's bulwark, his instincts indicated that he was perfectly safe. He gave himself 10 minutes to relax, and then, back to surveillance mode.

Artemis Sr. already had a Butler to guard him. Having another would be redundant. He couldn't guard any other person as that would be a conflict of interest – their family branch was totally devoted to the Fowls. So, to prevent his skills from rusting, he volunteered his services to the US Government as Trainer/ Consultant to the elite Green Berets. Needless to say, the government was very pleased to have a Butler in their employ, albeit temporarily.

While he waited for Artemis Sr. to get married (he assumed that he will guard Artemis' wife, the newest member of the Fowl family) he became the dreaded in-camp trainer. He seldom had any contact with the outside world, except through his secure line, and the occasional snail mail.

When Artemis Sr. finally married Angeline, Domovoi was overjoyed (and so were the recruits). He was already packing his bag when his Uncle's text reached him.

YOU ARE NOW A BODYGUARD. NO NEED TO GUARD YET– WILL CONTACT YOU.

Butler was taken aback at the conflicting order. Even after confirming it, he was devastated. (Not as devastated as the troops, though.)

He suspected nothing, even when Artemis Jr. was born. He just assumed that he will guard Angeline, and Juliet will guard the next generation. It's the natural order of things.

"_Butler, do not assume anything. When you assume, you make what?" asked Madame Ko during his academe days._

"An ass of you and me...," he murmured.

**

* * *

Round 1**

Artemis Jr. watched as the giant surveyed the nursery. The younger Butler was checking the windows, doors, secret passages and taking inventory of where his personal effects (bottles, diapers) were. He was surprisingly graceful for a man his bulk.

Artemis threw his ball. If his calculation was correct –

"!!!" Butlers don't make a sound when surprised. Their expressions don't even change much. That, Artemis understood very well as he already tried this trick on the Major. Still, it was funny.

As expected, Butler automatically held on to the table. There was a huge crash as man and wood crashed together. The table broke.

**

* * *

CRASH!!! **

"What was that?" Angeline sat up, surprised by the noise coming from her son's room. "Arty!"

"Don't worry, Angeline," Artemis Sr. answered, "they are only getting to know each other."

"Oh... okay. Nice... to hear that," Angeline reluctantly went back to sleep, lulled by her husband's gentle breathing. If Timmy said so, it must be so. After all, there was only one genius in the house, and it wasn't her.

**TBC**

_Author's note: nn ah... ignorance is such bliss..._


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Disclaimer applies to all chappies – I forgot to place one, did you notice? So, uhm, this is a fanfiction based on Eoin's Artemis Fowl Books. Hi Eoin! _

_POV switches between Butler and Arty, so I hope you don't get confused. _

_Thanks for all the reviews, The Black Coyote, Kelly Holden, The Oracular Fox, Lalala (like to sing? nn), Sofia666, Gaara&Neji, Kry's Law, Spirchick39, Sir Francis Drake's Heir, Apo, Kez and all those who would review in the future! _

_Reviews help. What can I do? They're just fun to read!_

**Round II – _Psychological Warfare_**

Butler cracked his knuckles, preparing for the task ahead.

_Know thy enemy._

Strange how that lesson came to mind as he changed his Principal's diaper. But his instincts were seldom wrong, and if his instincts told him to be wary of a... a... 3-ft fairy, then he would. From here on, he would treat his Principal as a Threat to both their well-beings. Hence, Artemis would have to be...

_Neutralized._

* * *

Artemis eyed Butler warily. With the sole exception of his parents, Artemis found it impossible to trust other people. It all boiled down to his first Nanny, an old woman who treated him like a piece of furniture. When Artemis cried to get her attention, she spanked him and even threatened to throw his teddy away. Artemis got even by throwing his bottle at her. His aim was terrible, and he seldom connected – but it became apparent to the parents that Grandma must go.

If only it were that simple with Butler. Butler caught his bottles, ignored his tantrums, purloined every ball... He was a nanny who was a cut above the rest. He would have to change tactics.

"Master Artemis, please wear your cap."

Hm. At least he didn't use baby talk.

Butler tucked his Sig Hauer under his vest and picked Artemis with one hand.

"I have observed that you are antisocial with everyone not of your immediate family. That is acceptable – you can't be too careful. But you must also learn the niceties of social behavior."

Artemis tilted his head. He didn't understand where this was going.

"We're going to Daycare."

Alarm bells rang in Artemis' mind when he heard 'Daycare' in such an ominous tone.

* * *

A month before, Butler staked out 3 different top daycares within the city, background-checked all regular customers and staff before finally settling on Little Angels Haven.

"G-g-good morning S-s-Sir...", the teen stuttered as Butler's bulk blocked off a portion of the sun's light, bathing the interior in darkness. "H-h-h-ow may we help y-you?"

"I would like to enroll my nephew, John Matthers."

Sheila, as her name plate indicated, shakily wrote the alias on the logbook. "P-p-please sign here S-s-sir."

"I would prefer to stay and watch John, if you don't mind."

"N-n-no p-p-problem, Sir... y-you can s-stay on the bench."

"Beside Blarney?" he glanced at the purple dino.

She nodded.

"Very well," Butler glanced at the little children aged 1 to 3 who were playing in the large indoor play ground. They looked happy enough. He, Sheila, and five other staff were the only adults present. If something happened, he could grab Artemis and be out of here in an instant. "Here is Master John," then he bent over and whispered to Sheila, causing the youth to blush deeply, "Please do not call him cute, or use any juvenile tone when you talk with him."

Butler took his place beside Blarney the Dino and proceeded to read the latest issue of 'Guns and Ammo.'

* * *

"Oh!" Sheila was pleasantly surprised. Master 'John' was a beautiful baby. Round grayish blue eyes that just shone with intelligence, midnight black hair that framed his pale chubby face.

Sheila gently took 'Master John' from the very large man. She was frightened of him, what with the dark shades and shaved head... but he _was_ handsome, in an exotic fashion. Mixed parentage kind'a gave one that edge. John must'a be a rich kid or sumth'n to have such a nanny.

"Ohh, you're sooo adorable!" she cried, pinching his pale cheeks. "You're so cuute, I could eat you up! Maybe it's because that big bad man doesn't play with you that you're in a bad mood today! Well, I'll fix that!"

Little John fidgeted and groaned. Sheila didn't notice as her attention was already at the children playing on the swing.

"We have a new one, guys! Meet Baby John!"

The children stopped their game and looked at the tod she was carrying. Kiara, the little blond pony-tailed girl burst into tears, and Ed ran behind the play pen, terrified.

"H-hey, wha?" her first thought was the Eurasian man followed her and the children saw him, but the absence of a partial eclipse crossed out that explanation.

If only she had listened to Butler's admonition –

**TBC**

_Note: Children have an instinct for danger. They are closer to our primal selves, their minds still uncluttered with modern knowledge and trivia. Ed and little Kiara simply reacted as a normal human ancestor would when faced with danger. If Sheila were smarter, she would've noticed the danger sign and bundled the children away from here. But no, she simply left the cold-hearted beast inside a pen with little children!_


	4. In War, No One Wins

Author's Note: Wow! Thanks for all the reviews! Never had this much reviews before! Hope you will enjoy this fic as much as I did! Also, this fic will run to seven chappies. SO, WE'RE HALFWAY THERE ALREADY! And... uhm... please nominate me for a C2 collection! v#

**Chapter IV**

**In War, No One Wins**

The waiting room has become so stuffy there was no space for even a pin to fall(well, yeah, that's exaggerating it but you get my point). There was however, an island of calm where no one dared intrude. Said island of calm was inhabited by a giant Eurasian man brooding over the latest issue of Guns and Ammo... and sporting a suspicious glinting metallic object beneath his designer suit.

No one dared come near him– though his charge was wrecking havoc inside the play pen. At this very moment, Artemis was releasing a barrage of alphabet-block missiles. Butler expected this to happen. In fact, the reason he chose this play pen was not because it was the best, nor the most exclusive. Quite the opposite.

If Artemis and he were to be together – till death do them part – yeah, sounds creepy, but that's how it is – Artemis must learn not to sabotage him! As the Major liked to say, trust was the hyphen that joined the Butler-Fowl family (Butlers weren't famous for their literary skill). Without trust, one of them's going to be out of a job -- and that's deadly in their business -- sooner than desired.

_The sooner he learns to trust me, the better._

Butler looked at his watch. He knew his principal's short temper.

_With this place, it's only a matter of time._

* * *

At this point, let me emphasize that Artemis always carried teddy when traveling outside the house. This was his security blanket then, same as his briefcase now. He also took care of teddy with more maturity than some teenage boys their girl friends. Didn't he endure teething without nibbling teddy's ears? At night, did he not gently embrace teddy?

However, here he was in the middle of nowhere so squishing teddy with all his might was excusable. _I hate this place! I want to go home!_ Tears brimming, he looked agitatedly around him. The floor was stinking blue rubber, the walls, garishly painted green with red floral accent! Where's the elegance? The only carpet he has seen was a stinking rat.

But, nervous as he was, a Fowl could not easily be cowed. Artemis glared at the terrified children and matched the panicked looks of the aides. He waited for them to do something – _anything!_ other than stare at him.

_Well? Well? Come on, amuse me..! _

He tilted his head as an aide approached him. He recognized her as Sheila, the aide who brought him. She was wearing a fake smile, like play-doh pasted on her face. He could see. She was humoring him. Artemis fumed. He was about to throw the blue number two block but she was faster than him. Scooping him up in her arms, she smothered him in her ample bosoms, effectively cutting off his train of thought.

"Why, little Johnny! Why don't you go and join the play? You're gonna enjoy it!"

This roused Artemis to alertness. _Johnny? Woman! Do you know that THAT is a euphemism for – _

She carried him to a corner where there were no projectiles at hand.

"Why don't you play with Arthur here? He seems lonely like you!"

Venomous sarcasm stained his thoughts. While most of the children were playing with balls, rounded blocks and teddy bears, Arthur was playing by himself (like Arty). But unlike Arty who was busy formulating dastardly thoughts, Arthur was... busy picking his nose.

Delighted at the sight of another toddler coming to play, Arthur giggled and crawled/ walked to meet Artemis, holding out a big, greenish, brownish, squishy fingerful of that-which-must-not-be-named.

_You fool! __Those are probably brimming with pathological micro-organisms! Oh-my-_ at this point, Artemis was at a loss of words as no one was permitted to use expletives in front of him.

Artemis' eyes bulged as Arthur came closer. And closer. Seeking comfort, he clutched teddy – his best friend in the whole wide world, but the tragedy of genius was that it left little comfort for Artemis. He knew Teddy was simply a lifeless personification of his desire for sanctuary.

He looked back, unconsciously looking for the other familiar object in this alien place.

Beyond the children enclosure, his Butler person was reading Guns and Ammo, seemingly unconcerned about his plight. Artemis' eyes were watering already – and these were no crocodile tears. His little lips pouted and quivered as he summoned all his Fowlish pride to prevent him from crying.

But that miniature germ warhead was coming closer and closer at him! He cringed and tried to slink into Sheila's enormous bosom, but although he could halfway hide in there, Teddy's bulk was too much.

Before Artemis' terrified eyes...

Teddy.

Fell.

From.

His.

Grasp.

Arthur shrieked in delight as Teddy fell four crawls in front of him. Artemis gasped in pain as Arthur changed direction. His best friend – to be ravaged before his eyes!

In helplessness, he screamed with all his might.

"**_BUTT... BUTT...B-B-BUUUUUUTTTTTTIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!"_**

It was Butler's turn to cringe as all eyes turned on him.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

n.n Poor Butty... I mean... Butler. Only a Fowl can call a Butler that and not suffer.

"Unfortunately my dear, you... are not one."

In the shadows of the author's room, the ominous click of a top navy sanctioned fire arm was heard.


	5. Chapter 5

Standard disclaimer applies.

Attention, can anyone nominate this fic for a C2 Commie? nn;; ah well...

Hija readers! Sorry for disappearing. My beloved cat got jealous of my PC. But all's well, now I have a laptop and halfway through my Iruka-Kakashi doujinshi, "Eleven Kisses". Yes. _That _eleven kisses. As it took me half a year to draw it in my spare time, expect it to come out next year. Tee-hee. Oh... and thanks for staying this long. For today...

**Chapter V**

**All Ends... But, well?**

For a man who poached missiles for breakfast, Butler felt dread.

Artemis was still screaming his name over and over: "_Buttie! Buttie! Buttie! Buttie!"_

There was a code in the Butler family that the Butler name was sacred and woe to anyone who maligned it. But if your Principal calls you... never mind. What do you do? Finally, the poor bodyguard mustered his resolve and rushed towards his charge. Some murmuring by-standers were pushed aside like rag-dolls in the process, but, a few casualties were to be expected.

Artemis' world stopped as Butler scooped Teddy in mid-air. The poor bear flopped tiredly in Butler's hands, as if fainting in relief for being saved from a near disastrous landing. Artemis sobbed and hiccupped and launched himself at Butler's direction, falling on the big man's chest. The genius, dastardly he might be, was still a child, and with a child's concern yet. He hugged Teddy with all his might and swore not to let go of him again.

"Artemis, are you all right?"

Artemis sniffled a yes, all the while trying to control his tears, as a man should. Just as he was almost calm again, another shrill crying echoed in the room.

"Bear! Bear!" Kiara, the blond pony-tailed girl from chapter 3 bawled inconsolably. Only then did everyone notice the crumpled remains of a teddy bear very similar to teddy, its stuffing spilling beneath Butler's shoes.

Another shiver coursed through Butler's skin. The Manual didn't prepare him for this! As Butler stood undecided, Artemis wriggled free of his grasp and nervously stood in front of Kiara.

"Here..." Artemis' hands trembled a bit but his resolution was firm.

Kiara sniffled as she inspected the bear. Sure, the Teddy Roosevelt original in mint condition could fetch more than our measly yearly salary, but a little child has more important criteria. Feeling Teddy's smooth fur, smelling teddy's strawberry-cotton perfume, and hugging Teddy's soft body, Kiara knew that this was a beloved friend.

"Thanks" she let out another two breaths before giving out a radiant smile. Artemis didn't know what pushed him to give up Teddy. But before he could change his mind, Kiara gave him a lighthearted smack.

Needless to say, it was a howee1 moment. Artemis couldn't quantify his reason, but he knew he did right. Blushing hotly, he shuffled back to his bodyguard and demanded to be carried.

"You were a service to your name, Artemis," Butler carried the still sniffing boy on one arm, letting Arty hide his head on his bodyguard's shoulder. He didn't expect this gesture from his Principal, and for this, he was pleasantly surprised. This child must have something good in him yet. Butler patted Artemis tenderly.

There were ooh's and aahs at the front – single women whose sight narrowed to this gallant Uncle(?), Father(?) who has raised such a dear lovely tender child. And oh, by the way, look at his index finger, no ring!

But at the back, where little Artemis faced, the attendants shivered in dark foreboding as the angelic child glared at them with obvious evil intent.

As Artemis would undoubtedly be inconsolable if he stayed at the Daycare any longer, Butler decided that his charge has learned a lesson.

Paying the cashier, he will file this little incident at the back of his mind, and later on, forget this ever happened. For the little Fowl however, the matter was far from over.

A couple of years later, in Artemis' second year of school, and the age he earned his first hundred thousand euros, the first thing he did was buy the Daycare Center.

(I couldn't write anymore about that. What happened next has been hushed up).

* * *

That night, after Artemis has been scrubbed and washed and changed to his pajamas, Butler went to his room to read him a bedtime story. 

"Well, Master Artemis, you've had a very exciting day today, didn't you?"

Artemis rolled his eyes in exasperation. If Butler's idea of exciting was bacterial contamination, he'd rather watch Blarney. He hugged his new teddy bear (Kiara's, actually. Butler sewed it back) as he patiently waited for Butler to settle in.

"So, what would it be?" he began to pull out a selection of Blarney's and Telly TubbDubb's tales. Artemis crinkled his nose in disgust. This was where most of his spats with his nannies originated. If he reads one word... just one _word_...

"Oh... so, you don't like these? How about 'The Ocean World of Jacques Cousteau'? or 'The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire'? or..."

Artemis didn't know if he should be more surprised, or elated as Butler pulled out book after book of meaningful subjects. They settled on "Dinosaurs and Birds: The Debate on Creationism and Evolution". And though it was Butler who fell asleep first, Artemis still looked at his bodyguard with newfound respect. It will take years before they cleaned out the bugs in their working relationship... where Artemis matured enough to grant Butler his trust, and where Butler understood enough to grant Artemis authority.

But today was a start at least.

**Don't Underestimate Me**

**By Turin**

**The End**

**June 30, 2007**


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